Someone I know feels passionately that your kids should fit in around your life; they should be expected to slot in like the missing piece of jigsaw puzzle while you carry on doing everything you did before you brought them into the world.
I know other people who feel that kids should only add to your lives, not take things away.
I beg to differ on both counts. You choose to bring children into the world. They didn’t ask to be born. Babies need attention and a lot of it. How can you possibly give them the attention they deserve if you still expect to do everything your old life involved? And as for them not taking anything from your life, of course they add a huge amount but they also take a lot away – sleep, energy, patience, money…
Having kids is a big decision. Bigger than deciding which job to accept, where to move or whether to get a dog. Expecting them to ‘fit in’ with you, I think, is crazy. If you just want to carry on as if you don’t have kids, then why bother having them?
Of course, there are things you can continue to do when your children arrive, but you’ll usually need to make adjustments to be able to do them. And it’s likely that whatever it was won’t hold the same allure for you as it once did in your child free days. Travel, for instance. I loved backpacking and travelling in a campervan. I still love to travel, but now I chose places that have facilities for kids like cots, highchairs, playgrounds, kids club etc. My view is if they’re happy, I’m happy. If they’re entertained, then I can relax. I don’t believe if I’m happy then they should be, or if I’m entertained then they can put up with it.
I do think it’s important to keep some of the old ‘you’ though. If before kids you went swimming every week, then there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to keep it up. If you enjoyed painting, then you’ll still be able to find the time for your art. But if you had an obsessive hobby that took up every minute of the day before you had kids, can you really expect to keep it up at the same level after having kids? I’m not so sure.
For me, having kids opened up a whole new way of life. Yes, I sometimes mourn my old life of lie ins, frivolous shopping trips and exciting travel destinations. But what I’ve gained is infinitely better (although some Sunday mornings at 5am I might not agree). It’s not possible to have lie ins anymore, I have no money left for lavish shopping trips and even if I did there’s no way I’d take all three of my kids along as it would be hell. And as for travel… why would I want to drag my kids on three flights to get to a remote, beachfront shack in French Polynesia where there is nothing but stunning scenery and a sparkling ocean for diving, because there is no way they’d sit still on the beach and who would look after them while I was exploring the coral? I would , however, take them on three flights to a family friendly resort where there was stuff for us all to do together. Even better, if there was a kids club that let us all enjoy a bit of time apart to do our own things independently as well as having some family fun.
One day, all of my pre-baby activities will be available to me again. When they’ve grown up. Rather than being upset that I can’t do them for another 15 years, I’m spending my time enjoying what I’ve got right now.
And if anyone tries to tell me that I need to stop trying to organise my life around my kids I’ll tell them that that is exactly what I will do, because my kids are the most precious thing in the world to me and I’d do absolutely anything for them. Including making them the number one priority in life.
Happy ranty Friday! x
Trouble Doubled (@trouble_doubled) says
Amen, K!
I have a cousin who complains about not being able to go out every Friday night anymore because she doesn’t have a babysitter or what not, and I think “….and?….”.
That’s parenthood – it’s sacrificing some things that you love, compromising on others, and having to do shit that you hate in order to give your all to the people you chose to give life to. That’s the way it should be.
Great rant, me dear!
TalesofaTwinMum says
Thanks TD. My thoughts exactly. x
Mummy Tries says
Here here Karen! It really gets to me when people make comments along the lines of ‘a child won’t change my life’ erm I think you will find it does… I know one lady who works full time (as does her hubby) even though her salary barely covers childcare, because the thought of being with her kids horrifies her. The main thought going through my head is ‘why have them in the first place’. #RantyFriday
TalesofaTwinMum says
I guess working is actually easier than looking after the kids (I certainly find that on the few hours a week I work!) But then having kids isn’t supposed to be easy is it? I hope not because if it is I must be doing something very wrong! xx
Kim Carberry says
I agree!! If you choose to have kids you choose to give up some of your pre-kid life….
TalesofaTwinMum says
Here here. Not all of it, just some of it or at least adapt it to make it suit your new life. x
hurrahforgin says
Great post 🙂
Before i had kids i used to think they should just slot in with your life but now i realise that is is all about them!
Everything we do and everywhere we go is to keep them happy – well actually not happy just less whiney and miserable than they would be normally 😉
TalesofaTwinMum says
Haha less whiney and miserable than normal is always a good start. Nothing can ever be the same after kids can it?! Thanks for the comment. xx
Boo Roo and Tigger Too says
My children are my life, looking after them, arranging childcare so I can work etc. It’s all a juggling act but I believe that when I do get to do something I want to do I am more appreciative of it as it is a treat.
TalesofaTwinMum says
Juggling is a great way to put it. Balancing what they need with what you need is hard work. It certainly does make you appreciate things more when you get a treat. x
Mummy Barrow says
I have a foot in both camps and think that you should play each situation as it comes.
Sometimes we give up doing things because of the kids, sometimes we take them along, even to things they dont want to do but might surprise themselves.
Parenthood is about learning as you go along!
TalesofaTwinMum says
I think you’re right – it’s important to try to strike a healthy balance in our lives. And we all have to learn on the job as there is no instruction book (unfortunately!) xx
Dawn Frazier says
Well said! Having children does change your way of life. Surely all the things you do before you had children are things you can teach them about as they grow. My life has changed dramatically since I had my children, but not in a bad way. I’ve learned so much about myself because of them. I know people who complain about not being able to do the things they used to. I just say to them “well you chose to have children…”
TalesofaTwinMum says
Exactly – I love introducing the kids to things I did before they arrived. I wouldn’t expect them to slot in and do all of those things with me, but there is a lot we can do to adapt things so they can be involved. Thanks for your comment. x
loopyfreakwithalist says
Amen Lady! People who want to carry on selfishly as if their kids don’t exist REALLY flip my pancake! I shall hold back being as it’s not Friday though.
Just discovered your blog and I’m loving it. I’m also a twin mummy to identical boys. If you fancy, do please pop over to my little patch of the net and take a look at my blog!
Much love,
xxx
TalesofaTwinMum says
Haha I’m loving the ‘flip my pancake’ comment – brilliant. Thanks for popping over and I’ll pop over to you now for a read. xx